Question 2 — Summary comparison

OriginalThe two trains in Source A and Source B are very different. Source A describes a more comfortable train which sounds like it was really luxurious, even if you didnt want to spend a long time on it, but the train in Source B is a less comfortable train but went very fast. Also I think both sounds quite dangerous.

ImprovedThe trains are presented very differently: Source A’s is luxurious and designed for long journeys, whereas Source B’s is basic and exposed, although its writer is more affectionate towards it.

Why it helpsOpen with one precise comparative overview. Name the key difference and the difference in each writer’s attitude, rather than adding loosely connected points such as speed and danger.

Assessment focusAO1: clear, comparative summary

Originalbecause you could sleep ('sleeping car') and eat on it, ('dining car').

Improvedthe "sleeping car" and "dining car" show that the train is intended to keep passengers comfortable while travelling long distances.

Why it helpsEmbed both references in one sentence and state the shared inference. This makes your summary more concise and purposeful.

Assessment focusAO1: selection of relevant evidence and inference

OriginalHowever after the crash the writer looks at the train and said 'she had bullied us' about the train which makes me infer that it's not that comfortable to be on and you may feel trapped or pushed about by the train.

ImprovedHowever, after the crash, the writer personifies it as having "bullied us". This implies that, despite its comfortable facilities, the train can feel forceful and oppressive, as though passengers are trapped and pushed about by it.

Why it helpsUse the term personification and connect this later impression back to the earlier luxury. This creates a more developed, qualified comparison rather than simply reversing your point about comfort.

Assessment focusAO1: developed inference; subject terminology

OriginalHe literally sounds happy when it crashed too.

ImprovedThis implies that, despite its comfortable facilities, the train can feel forceful and oppressive, as though passengers are trapped and pushed about by it.

Why it helpsDo not claim the writer is "literally" happy unless the words prove it. Focus on the supported inference created by the image of a "bully".

Assessment focusAO1: precise, supported inference

Not marked in the model above — the wording differs slightly.

OriginalIn contrast, the train in Source B is much more basic. The passengers sit on benches and it's an 'uncovered carriage' which sounds like you are not protected from the rain or wind, or any cold weather.

ImprovedBy contrast, Source B’s train is far less comfortable. Passengers sit on benches in an "uncovered carriage", so they are unprotected from rain, wind and cold weather.

Why it helpsMake the contrast direct and use "so" to show exactly how the evidence supports your inference.

Assessment focusAO1: clear comparative inference; sentence control

OriginalPlus there is no mention of eating or sleeping. This makes me infer that the train was not built to be comfortable.

ImprovedUnlike Source A’s train, it does not seem equipped for passengers to sleep or eat, making it more basic.

Why it helpsCompare Source B directly with Source A instead of relying on what is not mentioned. This interweaves both sources more tightly.

Assessment focusAO1: perceptive comparison between sources

OriginalHowever the writer really likes this train because it says that the train is a 'wonderful beast' and that she felt 'inclined to pat' which suggests that she feels kind towards it, not like the other train which was a bully, which helps me infer that it was a nice vehicle even if it was a bit basic.

ImprovedNevertheless, the writer’s attitude is warmer: calling it a "wonderful beast" and feeling "inclined to pat" it suggests fondness. Therefore, while Source A’s luxurious train becomes threatening, Source B’s simpler train is presented as appealing despite its lack of comfort.

Why it helpsName the contrast in attitudes and finish by balancing comfort against appeal. Split the long sentence so each inference is clear and controlled.

Assessment focusAO1: comparison of perspectives; sentence control