Question 4 — Compare perspectives

OriginalThe writers of Source A and Source B have very different perspectives on their experiences of train travel. The writer of Source A feels unimpressed and even bored as well as smugly pleased when the train crashes, while the writer of Source B is excited and fascinated by the experience of her train journey.

ImprovedThe writers of Source A and Source B present opposing perspectives on train travel. While the writer of Source A finds the journey restrictive and tedious, then takes smug satisfaction in the train’s crash, the writer of Source B presents travel as an exhilarating, almost magical experience.

Why it helpsOpen with a more conceptual comparison of the writers’ viewpoints. This gives your response a sharper argument which you can develop across both sources.

Assessment focusAO3: sustained comparison of perspectives

Originalthis semantic field of restraint suggests a lack of freedom and of being controlled by the train during the journey.

Improvedthe semantic field of control implies that it has imposed its own routine upon the passengers, depriving them of freedom.

Why it helpsMove beyond identifying the semantic field by explaining precisely what control does to the passengers: it imposes routine and removes agency.

Assessment focusAO3: developed analysis of language

OriginalThe writer personifies the train in these descriptions, perhaps making the irritation he feels with the vehicle easier for the reader to comprehend, as we can all connect with the concept of a controlling person, or a schoolground bully.

ImprovedBy personifying the train as a ‘bully’, he turns a supposedly powerful form of modern transport into an oppressive, human antagonist.

Why it helpsState a confident interpretation instead of speculating with ‘perhaps’. Keep the focus on how the method constructs the writer’s hostile viewpoint.

Assessment focusAO3: precise analysis of method

OriginalCoupled with these descriptions of the train being a bully, the reader also finds the contrasting images of the train being ‘sprawled foolishly’ after the crash, and also having a ‘defiant and naughty look’.

ImprovedHowever, after the crash, this power is reversed. The train is ‘sprawled foolishly’ and has a ‘defiant and naughty look’

Why it helpsMake the structural change explicit: the train moves from controlling the passengers to being powerless itself. This develops your whole-source argument.

Assessment focusAO3: analysis of structural development

OriginalThe adverb ‘foolishly’ and the adverbs ‘defiant and naughty’ reduce the train to that of a naughty or ridiculous child.

Improvedthe adverb ‘foolishly’ and the childish adjectives ‘defiant’ and ‘naughty’ belittle it.

Why it helpsUse accurate terminology: ‘defiant’ and ‘naughty’ are adjectives. ‘Childish’ also explains the shared effect of the word choices more efficiently.

Assessment focusAccurate subject terminology

OriginalThe phrase ‘she was down and out’ after the crash further conveys his contempt, reducing the powerful train to something weak and insignificant. This highlights the writer’s dissatisfaction with the experience and the rigid nature of modern train travel.

ImprovedLikewise, ‘she was down and out’ presents the train as defeated, so the writer’s earlier frustration develops into contemptuous pleasure at its humiliation. Train travel is therefore presented not as progress, but as a rigid force which the writer is pleased to see weakened.

Why it helpsTrack the change in Source A’s perspective from frustration to satisfaction. This turns a valid point about contempt into a more nuanced argument about the writer’s developing response.

Assessment focusAO3: nuanced analysis of perspective across a source

OriginalHer description of the train’s speed as ‘swifter than a bird flies’ highlights her excitement and sense of freedom, in stark contrast to the controlled and monotonous experience of the writer in Source A.

ImprovedHer comparison that it travels ‘swifter than a bird flies’ conveys not restriction but freedom: its speed makes the journey seem to transcend normal human movement.

Why it helpsName the comparison and explain its implications, rather than stopping at ‘excitement’. Then make the contrast with Source A through the idea of freedom versus restriction.

Assessment focusAO3: analysis and comparison of methods

OriginalThe direct address in ‘You cannot conceive what that sensation of cutting the air was’ makes the reader feel personally involved, as if the experience is so thrilling and unique that it is beyond their imagination. This creates a sense of excitement by emphasizing the writer’s awe and wonder, making the train ride feel even more extraordinary.

ImprovedFurthermore, her direct address, ‘you cannot conceive what that sensation of cutting the air was’, draws the reader into her excitement while suggesting that its intensity is beyond ordinary imagination. Thus, where Source A reduces the train from a controlling force to a ridiculous child after its crash, Source B transforms it into a wondrous creature whose speed inspires admiration.

Why it helpsAvoid repeating ‘excitement’ and end by synthesising both sources. A final comparative judgement makes your argument feel complete and sustained.

Assessment focusAO3: integrated comparative conclusion